SEBER JOKES

Holy Humour

2012-02-10T19:26:00.000-08:00

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city
because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read:
"I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my
appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer
along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't
give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

========
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and
announced to his congregation:
"I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we
have enough money to pay for our new gym - fellowship
hall building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in
your pockets."

========

While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an
Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had
a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage
was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs
on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust."

========

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a
question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said
the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

========

A minister waited in line to have his car filled
with gas just before a long holiday weekend.
The attendant worked quickly, but there were
many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant
motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry
about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits
until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean.
It's the same in my business."

========

People want the front of the bus, the back of
the church, and the center of attention.

========

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very
young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared,
you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.
Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea
and the Mom asked him what that morning's
Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

========

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts
of how he was going to ask the congregation
to come up with more money than they were
expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the
regular organist was sick and a substitute had
been brought in at the last minute. The substitute
wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said
impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of
something to play after I make the announcement
about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused
and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in
great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as
much as we expected and we need $4,000 more.
Any of you who can pledge $100 or more,
please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist
played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became
the regular organist!

Holy Humour

2012-02-08T17:21:00.001-08:00

**A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly,
"I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know'
what the Bible means?
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands
for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'

=======

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family
Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

========

"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the
world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say,
"Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up
in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

Children Are Quick

2012-02-06T17:19:00.001-08:00

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today
that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:     Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I.. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir.. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher __________________________________

PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH!
LAUGHTER IS THE SOUL'S MEDICINE!!

www.seberjokes.blogspot.com

NO Speak English

2012-02-03T19:56:00.000-08:00

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

What were you
Thinking?

Her husband speaks English!

Catholic Heart Attack

2012-01-27T18:20:00.001-08:00

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a
store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him
collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest Catholic Hospital as he was wearing a cross where he had emergency open- heart bypass surgery.

He woke up from the surgery to find himself in the care
of nuns at the Catholic hospital where he was taken to. A nun
was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded
with several forms and a pen. She asked him how he was
going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the
payments?" asked the
irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a
nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are
not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my
brother-in-law."

You Make Me Laugh

2012-01-27T16:19:00.001-08:00

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food.

The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.

The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What on earth did you put on this pizza?"

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*

40 years of marriage..

2011-11-18T19:51:00.001-08:00

A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...
The husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....

SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH .
AND TO ANY MAN WHO CAN HANDLE IT!

Husband and Wife Fights!

2011-09-16T21:09:00.000-07:00

This is the best and most civil way to have a fight between husband and wife instead of resorting to physical force...!! Poems written by WIFE and HUSBAND.

Wish that all husbands and wives are poets like this:

WIFE:

I wrote your name on sand, it got washed.

I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.

Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.

HUSBAND:

God saw me hungry, he created pizza.

He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.

He saw me in the dark, he created light.

He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

WIFE:

Twinkle twinkle little star

You should know what you are

And once you know what you are

Mental hospital is not so far.

HUSBAND:

The rain makes all things beautiful.

The grass and flowers too.

If rain makes all things beautiful

Why doesn't it rain on you?

WIFE:

Roses are red; Violets are blue

Monkey like you should be kept in a zoo.

Don't feel so angry you will find me there too

Not in cage but outside, laughing at you!

AND THE SAGA CONTINUES........

Position of a Husband Is just like a Split Air Condition (the motor is outside). No matter however Loud he is in the Outdoor He is designed to remain Silent indoor... .....................................................................

"Husband is one who is the head of the family, but his wife is the neck, and whichever way she turns, he goes." ........................................................................

A man in Hell asked Devil: Can I make a call to my Wife? After making call he asked how much to pay.

Devil : Nothing, Hell to hell is Free. ..............................................................

Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means, Without Information, Fighting Every-time!

Wife: No darling, it means - With Idiot For Ever ...........................................................................

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper, So I'd be in your arms all day.

Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper, So I could have a new one every day. .................................................................

Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping Pills.

Wife: When must I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you ...................................................................

Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.

Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me ....................................................................

Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest ?

Husband: A loving Push...!

DEAF WIFE?

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple, informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

(I just love this).....

"Alan , for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

and the life goes on........ Have a wonderful day!!!

WOMEN ASKS:

2011-09-12T19:35:00.000-07:00

If I sleep with 3 men, everyone calls me a slut. But when a man sleeps with 10 girls, everyone calls him a real man. How come?

Man replies:

It's very simple.

Confucius say 'When one lock can be opened by 3 different keys, it's a bad lock.

But when one key can open 10 different locks, we call it a master key!'.

A married couple joke

2011-07-25T18:03:00.000-07:00

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour.. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks cross at her and speaks in a clear voice.

'Darling,' he says. 'I know we've been married for twenty years,   but I want a divorce.' The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband   speaks again.   'I don't want you to try and talk me out of it', he says, 'because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far   better lover than you are.' Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the   steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55 mph.

He pushes his luck. 'I want the house,' he says insistently. Up to 60 mph. 'I want the car, too,' he continues. 65 mph. 'And,' he says, 'I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat...'

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: 'Isn't there
anything you want?'.   The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. 'No, I've got everything I need..' she says.
Oh, really?' he inquires, 'So what have you got?'

Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to
him and smiles.   .....'The airbag.'....

so never underestimate how a woman thinks.   Moral of the story:   Buy Toyota VIOS as it has only one airbag (for driver only). The husband sure to die and the wife gets everything!

So, for the husband don't buy a Vios today..... :)
Husbands, pls take insurance! but.. think twice before buying MCIS insurance.
Know why?
' M.C.I.S ' = Mati Cepat Isteri Senang

For all you Baii fans

2011-06-30T19:01:00.000-07:00

Q: Why are there so many Sikh money changers in Singapore?
A: Because they like to deal in Singh dollars.

Q: Why do Sikhs make good shopkeepers
A: Because when you enter their shop to buy
something, you are the buyer; which makes them the buyee.

Q: What do u call a Bhai who wants to make a U-turn?
A: Ke belakang-pu Singh

Q: A Bhai with frequent headaches?

A: Kepala pu Singh.

Q: What do you call a Bhai who drinks only beer?
A: Jasbir Singh

Q: What is the study of young bhais?
A: Microbhailogy.

Q: What was Mrs. Singh called when she posed for Playboy?
A: Bohcheng Kaur

Q: What was Mrs. Singh called when she joined a Cantonese criminal gang?
A: Tai Kaur

Q: Where do you find a Bhai doctor?
A: At Tantock Singh Hospital, S'pore.

Q: What do you call a Bhai who comes to visit you every three days?
A: Sarjit Singh

Q: What do you call a Bhai who's lost?
A: Miss Singh

Q: What do you call a Bhai who lives between
Singapore and Kuantan?
A: Mer Singh

Q: What do you call a Bhai who's coming only tomorrow
A: Mahjit Singh

Q: What do you call a Bhai who likes Chinese herbs?
A: Gin Singh!

Q: What do you call a Bhai on a tightrope?
A: Balance Singh

Q: What is the official mode of transport for Sikhs?
A: Bhaicycles

Q: What heart surgery procedure did Mr. Singh undergo?
A: A bhaipass.

Q: What do you call a Sikh who is covetous?
A: Gian Singh

Just Passing Through

A Sikh was on his way to Khalsa Club when he decided
to take a short-cut through somebody's garden. The
Owner comes out angrily shouting : Hey, do you
know you are trespassing?
Sikh answered : No, I'm Jas-par Singh.

Today Joke

2011-06-15T18:50:00.000-07:00

"A Husband and his wife agreed that anytime they want to have sex, they will call it a 'PHONE CALL' so that the kids will not decode.

One day, the husband sent his son to tell his mother that
he wants to make a phone call.

Mother replies: Tell your father that the Network is bad today.

Husband: Tell your mother that if there is no Network at home, I will go to the "Public Phone".

Wife sent back, tell your father that if he dares goes to a Public Phone, then I will open a " Call Center " at home."

Wedding Anniversary

2011-06-15T18:33:00.000-07:00

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel

On the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting

You a headstone that reads:

'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.'

'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die,

I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'

A WomanTurns 50

2011-05-11T21:16:00.000-07:00

A Woman had a facelift for her 50th birthday

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home,   she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving,   she says to the clerk, 'I hope you
don't mind my asking, but how old do you   think I am?'

'About 32,' is   the reply.
'Nope! I'm   exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while   later she goes into McDonald's and asks the
counter girl the very same   question.

The girl   replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman   replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's   feeling really good about herself.. She stops in a
drug store on her way down   the street. She goes up to the counter to get
some mints and asks the clerk   this burning question.

The clerk   responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting   for the bus to go home, she asks an old man
waiting next to her the same   question.
He replies,'I'm   78 and my eyesight is going. Although,
when I was young, there was a sure-fire   way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you   to let me put my hands under
your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you   EXACTLY how old you
are.'

They wait in   silence on the empty street until her curiosity
gets the best of her. She   finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go
ahead.'

He slips both of   his hands under her blouse and begins to feel
around very slowly and   carefully.. He bounces and weighs each breast
and he gently pinches each   nipple.. He pushes her breasts together and
rubs them against each   other.

After a couple   of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay,
okay....How old am I?'

He completes one   last squeeze of her breasts, removes his
hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and   amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible,
how could you tell?'

The old man   says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I   won't,' she says.
'I was behind   you in McDonalds

Old Motor!

2011-04-19T20:50:00.000-07:00

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.

The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.
'
The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.

She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running..'

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.

The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?'

The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.'

The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: 'Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black.'

BEST EVER SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE

2011-04-02T15:26:00.000-07:00

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ..............

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

Dinner Decisions

2011-03-04T15:55:00.000-08:00

A group of 40 year old golfing buddies discussed where they should meet for dinner.

Finally it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitress's there had low cut blouses and were very young.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and they even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

THE PASTOR'S CAT

2011-02-24T18:01:00.000-08:00

Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.

The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke.

The tree went 'boing!' and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight.
The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, 'Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,' and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, 'Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?'
She replied, 'You won't believe this,' and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, 'Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it.' She told the pastor, 'I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her.'

Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor.

Anyone can count the seeds in an apple; but only God can count the apples in a seed.

Air India

2011-01-28T16:22:00.001-08:00

Surinder Singh's uncle was booked into an Air India flight to Bombay.
> But as this was his first time in an aeroplane, he made a few
> preparations that were out of place.
>
> When the stewardess came around to take orders for the in-flight meal,
> the uncle declared loudly, 'I have brought my own lunch. Make sure you
> don't charge me for food and drinks!'
>
> So, as everybody was given their in-flight meal, the uncle began
> spreading out his own home-cooked meal.
>
> The man sitting next to him was an American history researcher and was
> curious about the food. 'Excuse me, what is that drink?' he asked. The
> uncle picked up the yogurt-based lassi drink and said,
>
> 'Milk of India !'
>
> Then the uncle took out several pieces of chappatis and started
> feasting. 'And what is that dish?' asked the curious American ...
>
> 'Wheat of India !' replied the uncle proudly.
>
> Finally, the uncle took out some desserts. He offered some to the
> American. 'What is it?' asked the American.
>
> 'Sweets of India !' replied the old man.
>
> After the meal, everyone was settling down when there was a loud
> 'pooooooooot!' sound from the uncle.
> 'What was that?' asked the American, holding his nose in disgust. The
> old man replied coolly,
>
> 'That's Air India .'

Meet Marvin, Men's answer to Maxine!!!

2011-01-07T16:39:00.000-08:00

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-----------------------------------------------------------

Why is a Laundromat  a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
-----------------------------------------------------------

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-----------------------------------------------------------

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
----------------------------------------------------------

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-- --------------------------------------------------------

  Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.  ----------------------------------------------------

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
------------------------------------------------------

Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street with a bald head
and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
------------------------------------------------------

Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and
to the select few women who can handle it!

AND MAXINE SAYS............'MARVIN'...

Maxine just had to have the last word.

KidsAreQuick

2010-12-17T15:21:00.000-08:00

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA:   Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math
multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how
I spelt it.

(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have
today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:     Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down
his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't
   punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers
   before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly
   the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps
on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________
PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE
LAUGH!
LAUGHTER IS THE SOUL'S MEDICINE!!

2010-11-25T18:16:00.000-08:00

This is a 'BEST JOKE' Award Winner in UK

2010-11-14T18:35:00.000-08:00

One Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says 'You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here.'
The astonished Chinese man replied 'It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese'.
'Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same replied Spielberg. In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says 'You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship.'
Shocked, Spielberg replies 'It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.'
The Chinese replies, 'Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same.'

---------------------------------------

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2010-10-11T16:34:00.000-07:00

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Irishman

2010-10-10T19:02:00.000-07:00

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Dead Cow

2010-10-05T23:33:00.000-07:00

Dead Cow ... a good laugh for your week...

First-year students at Texas A&M Vet school were attending their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body".

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid.."

Religious husband

2010-09-26T21:53:00.000-07:00

A HUSBAND COMES HOME FROM CHURCH;
HE GREETS HIS WIFE AND LIFTS HER UP.
HE THEN CARRIED HER AROUND THE HOUSE.

THE WIFE WAS SO SURPRISED AND SHE ASKED
"DID THE BISHOP PREACH ABOUT BEING ROMANTIC"?

THE HUSBAND SAID,
"NO, HE SAID WE MUST CARRY OUR BURDENS AND SORROWS."

A Senior Citizen

2010-09-26T21:50:00.000-07:00

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 160 kph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the Z3, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 180 kph, then 190, then 200kph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!". So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

2010-09-22T01:02:00.000-07:00

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

Good Laugh...

2010-09-08T23:43:00.000-07:00

GOOD WIVES.......................

...... the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while.

Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy curls up on the floor; eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire...

Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the drawer, takes out 500 bucks and gives it to him.

"Here, take this and go to the woman next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight.... and remember that this happens only once... ok?

Don’t think about it again," she said.

The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, grabs the money and leaves quickly..

A few minutes later, he returned and handed the money back to his wife and spoke with much disappointment:

"She said this is not enough. She wants one thousand....."

His wife's face slowly turns red with anger.

"Damn that bitch... when she was pregnant and her husband came over here... I charged him only five hundreds ..."

The guy collapsed !!!

NB: Think THRICE when your wife is over Generous

$800 dollars

2010-08-27T19:17:00.000-07:00

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…

"Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Reason to be thankful..

2010-08-27T18:23:00.000-07:00

More reason to be thankful…

I AM THANKFUL:
FOR THE WIFE
WHO SAYS IT'S EGGS N BACON TONIGHT,
BECAUSE SHE IS HOME WITH ME,
AND NOT OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

     FOR THE HUSBAND
   WHO IS ON THE SOFA
   BEING A COUCH POTATO,
   BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME
   AND NOT OUT AT THE BARS.

Orang Utan

2010-08-20T18:06:00.000-07:00

Free Pepsi... nature made.

Old man vs Young wife

2010-08-20T17:16:00.000-07:00

A 70 year old man asks his wife,
"Do you feel sad when you see me running after young girls?"

Wife replied,
"No, not at all, even dogs chase cars they can't drive."

Brilliant Law Student

2010-08-12T00:08:00.000-07:00

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student: "OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".

Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what’s the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "

To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.

"All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer

"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."

Hot Dawg

2010-08-06T17:21:00.000-07:00

Hot Dawg!!! I am seriously jealous of this dude. Babai awa..awa.. cari roti canai, tak perlu cakap (not necessary to talk) look at his head.. roti apa... teka lah..

Big fella

2010-08-05T17:07:00.000-07:00

Ya really think ya gonna be needin' those condoms there, big fella? Banyak cantik dgn bergaya..ya..
Untuk apa bang? Nak bawa ke hutan untuk anak-anak buat .."experiment lah... orang hutan.

Inflation

2010-08-05T05:09:00.000-07:00

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

2010-07-09T18:01:00.000-07:00

JUST TOO CUTE.

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?'
She asked.

'Hunting Flies'
He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?'
She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

GARLIC WARNING

2010-07-05T18:42:00.000-07:00

For years, doctors and scientists have told us that some foods are good for us,
only to be told later that they are bad for us, and again they tell us that
some foods are bad for us, and all the time they've been good for us.

There doesn't seem to be much proof either way
to suggest what is good or bad, until now.

Looks like "YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT" is true !!!

See the proof below .....................

No more garlic for me !!!

Enjoy getting old!

2010-07-02T00:41:00.000-07:00

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of   myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating   that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but   looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be   messy, to be extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 &70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ..... I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful.   But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I   eventually remember the important things.
Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when

somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car?   But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion.   A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face.
So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn   silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about   what other people think.. I don't question myself anymore.   I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free.   I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it).

MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART! You will laugh your head off!!!!!!!!!!!

Old Pilots

2010-06-25T20:33:00.000-07:00

You think you have lived to be 80 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!

An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..

She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Nieuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

7 Reasons Not To Mess With Children

2010-06-25T20:29:00.000-07:00

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a
human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat
was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human;
it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally
walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently,
she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing,
the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother
do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed
that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why
are some of your hairs white, Mum?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while
and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's
hairs are white?'

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher
was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the
group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor..'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a
Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the
table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note,
and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE. God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of
the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

Daddy, how was I born?

2010-06-22T19:34:00.000-07:00

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born ?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button , nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and that's you...

Generation Y

2010-06-21T20:33:00.000-07:00

CONVERSATION BETWEEN HUSBAND AND WIFE

2010-06-15T01:21:00.001-07:00

WIFE:
I wrote your name on the sand, it got washed away.
I wrote your name on the air, it was blown away. Then
I wrote your name on my heart and I got Heart Attack.

HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, He! created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, He created Pepsi.
He saw me in dark, He created light.
He saw me without problems, then He created YOU.

WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.

HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?

WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like you should be kept in zoo.
Don! 't feel so angry, you will find me there too
Not in the cage but laughing at you.

Joke of the day

2010-06-15T01:19:00.000-07:00

Dangers of Casual E-Mailing

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel in Florida, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter on the address and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a loud scream, and fell to the floor in a faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room, and saw this note on the screen:

DEAREST WIFE:

JUST GOT CHECKED IN.
EVERYTHING IS PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.

P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE...

GARLIC WARNING

2010-06-06T23:56:00.000-07:00

For years, doctors and scientists have told us that some foods are good for us,
only to be told later that they are bad for us, and again they tell us that
some foods are bad for us, and all the time they've been good for us.

There doesn't seem to be much proof either way
to suggest what is good or bad, until now.


Looks like  "YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT"  is true !!!

See the proof below .....................

An elderly gentleman....

2010-05-25T18:55:00.000-07:00

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember .. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure..' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?' 'Yep!' 'Do I know her?' 'Nope!' 'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.' 'Is she a good cook?' 'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I don't know.' 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty..'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

One more. . .! A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Now , before you 'forget', send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh !!

A QUICK LAUGH FOR 5 MINS to release Stress

2010-05-21T15:13:00.000-07:00

Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past.
Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.
Teacher: Why?
Student: There is no future in it.
Teacher : Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Ted : $10.
Teacher : You don't know maths.
Ted : You don't know my father!

Mother : David, come here.
David : Yes, mum?
Mother : You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David : But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother : I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.
Father : Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son : On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father : So?
Son : On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8.. If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?

A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the living room.. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of breaking plates, then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her father.
Daughter : It's mummy!
Father : How do you know?
Daughter : She didn't say anything.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love
Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born
Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.
Teacher : Simon, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Simon : No, teacher, it's the same dog!
Father : Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son : That's why I say she's no good!
Teacher: 'Where were u born?'
Student: ' Singapore , Sir.'
Teacher: 'Which part?'
Student: 'All of me, Sir.'
A teacher was asking her class: 'What is the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?'
Only one hand shot up.
'Ok, answer, Joan' said the teacher.
''unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is a sick eagle.'
Teacher: 'How come you do not comb your hair?'
Ah Kow: 'No comb, Sir.'
Teacher: 'Use your dad's then.'
Ah Kow: 'No hair, Sir.'
A boy came home from school with his exam results.
'What did u get?' asked his father.
'My marks are under water,' said the boy.
'What do u mean 'under water'?'
'They are all below 'C' (sea) level'

Well, that's the end of the jokes. Hope you had a good laugh! Do send it to all your friends and family so that they will have a good laugh too. :D
Have a nice day!
Cheers

The Colonoscopy

2010-05-14T17:28:00.000-07:00

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain,
"Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood ,
"because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach ,
"because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs,
"because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes,
"Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum,
"Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The ass hole is usually the one in charge!

Pampurred

2010-05-14T17:23:00.000-07:00

10 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR MOM, YOUR DAUGHTERS OR
GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS, ETC

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up

there.

4. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

5. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so we can tell

them apart.

6. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

7. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

8. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in

Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

9. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque

books.
10. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it

means that you laugh at his.

Pass it on to a few "good men" too!!

Adult Jokes

2010-05-05T23:39:00.000-07:00

Question: Why is the "69" position also called the "smokers' position?"

Answer: Because while she is smoking the cigar, he is cleaning the ashtray.

Question: Why is sperm donation more expensive than blood donation?
Answer: Because it's HANDMADE!!

An old man married a young girl. On the wedding night he showed five fingers to his wife.
Young girl : Ooh.. Darling! 5 times?
Old man : No dear, choose which one you prefer to start with.

Man 1 : My wife is obsessed with cars. While asleep, she holds my bird and says "1st gear, 2nd gear...".
Man 2 : My wife is worse, she puts my bird inside her and says "Full tank, please".
Question: What is the smallest hotel in the world?

Answer: It's Vagina Inn. Because it can only accommodate 1 standing occupant and 2 pieces of baggage outside!

2 prostitutes were in a taxi, on their way home after "work".
Bitch 1 : I smell sperm!
Bitch 2 : Sorry, I burped!!!

Man went to the chemist to buy 1/4 of a Viagra.
Chemist said " It would be useless."
Man said, "I am 90, sex is out of question, I just want to stop peeing on my shoes".

Reporter: Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis, would you care to comment on this?
Man: "The truth is that she has a big mouth!"

What is the similarity between a swimming pool and a wife?
For both, we pay high maintenance for the little time we spend in them.

Love is a complicated piece of machinery.
Sometimes, all you need is a good screw to fix it.

What's the difference between biology and sociology?
When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology.
When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.
Whoever first said that "A dog is man's best friend" has never seen a pussy before.

Dracula asked God, "May I be reincarnated as a white angel with wings and still suck blood?"

God said, "Okay" and Poof! Dracula turned into a sanitary pad".

Husbands are Husbands

2010-05-05T23:34:00.000-07:00

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?", the man asked.

The wife replied, "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket".

The man then said, "When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name

of the horse I bet on".

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later, the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the

head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied, "Your horse phoned".

black condom

2010-05-04T20:44:00.000-07:00

A 'just married' White couple decided to make love on their wedding night in the hotel.

The wife did not want to get pregnant yet and requested the husband to buy condoms from the shop nearby.

When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously in the room with all the lights switched off.

The husband had a hard time finding a shop that sold condoms and when he finally found one, he realized that he had only one 20 cents coin.

He asks the shop owner to sell him one condom and the shop owner asked him which quality he wanted.

'The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cents each. The black condom, average quality, is 20 cents each. And the purple condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each.' So the husband took the black condom as he had only 20 cents.

While the husband was out, a Black thief came into the room.The wife did not notice and thought that it was her husband. She grabbed the thief and happily started screwing.

The wife was so exhausted that she fell asleep immediately. When the husband reached the hotel, he found his wife sleeping.

Without a warning, he jumped onto her and started screwing her vigorously. The wife was surprised that the husband was so energetic and she thoroughly enjoyed the session.

Nine months later, the wife gave birth to a Black baby boy. When the boy grew up, he asked the father. 'Papa, why am I Black and you are White?'

The father shouted 'You are damn lucky, 5 cents more and you would have been PURPLE!

Why it sparkles

2010-05-04T19:20:00.000-07:00